Seven 80s Studs Who Taught Me How to Find a Husband

There are only ten good things that came out of the 80s, and one of them is me. The rest are Glo-Worms, Jem & the Holograms, and the seven Adonii that shine forth from this list like rhinestones on a jean jacket. These are the men who taught me to avoid Kirk Cameron and NKOTB, those flashes in so many impressionable girls' pans. These are the men who scoffed at the likes of Axl Rose, Milli Vanilli, and anyone named "Cory." These are the men who taught me what a man should be.

#7 Lavar Burton of The Reading Rainbow
My love affair with books began before I could even read, and I can date my love affair with Lavar Burton in the same way. Now there is a man who appreciates a good story! I met Lavar each week on that beautiful rainbow, and he taught me how to apply story to real life. He is patient, kind, inquisitive, and literate. Perhaps his greatest quality, however, is his entire lack of irony. To this day, the only episode of The Reading Rainbow that I can recall with clarity features Lavar learning how to stave off hypothermia. He explains to us, the viewers (and I like to think he's talking directly to me), that the best way to raise your body temperature is to use the body heat of others. To demonstrate, he strips down to his briefs (white) and sidles next to another man under a blanket, all while continuing to explain the dangers of hypothermia to those of us at home. Here is an opportunity for the uncomfortable among us to mock and snicker. It seems the perfect chance, BUT Lavar doesn't let us laugh. His utter comfort on screen and his complete lack of embarrassment put us at ease and shut us up. It's like the time my high school biology teacher began her lecture on anatomy with, "Penis. There, now we've said it."

#6 Mario of Super Mario Bros.
I spent hours with Mario in my first decade (and second, third, and counting), and let me tell you he is one persistent dude. Nothing stops this man from achieving his goal - not killer fish, not ducks that slay you on contact, not jumping hammer tossers - nothing. If you stop him with a murderous plant, he will come right back and take you out with a fireball. Mario does not mess around. And the thing is, he's a plumber. He's a regular guy who gets pushed too far when his lady love is stolen, and then he proves his worth with his stout heart (and mad ups).

#5 Indiana Jones of Indiana Jones and the Ark, Temple, and Crusade. That is all.
We've covered a couple of good guys, but what about the slightly dangerous men? Where are the thrills? If Lavar spins me a yarn, Indiana sneaks me into the castle where the tapestries hang. A professor by trade, he spends alarmingly little time in the classroom, choosing instead to pursue adventure across rivers and deserts, over mountains and oversized maps of Europe. He is the consummate improviser. You never see him look at a situation and say, "Whelp, we've done all we can. Let's turn around." No, he hijacks a truck, plane, or tank and takes down a Nazi fleet ALL BY HIMSELF. Indiana Jones, heaven help him, has another knife in his knapsack: he is the master of Devil May Care. It's nothing to him whether you notice him or not, and so he makes you want him more. Oh, how you torment us, Mr. Jones. Finally, he seems to have an unusually high tolerance for crazy...

...so, you know, you can show him the real you right from the start.

#4 Marty McFly of Back to the Future
Here's a man whose lavender Calvin Klein's I wouldn't mind seeing.  On the danger scale, Marty is pleasantly situated somewhere between Opie and Judd Nelson's character in The Breakfast Club. You can kick back with a couple of beers together, but you don't have to worry about him beating you after he's had a few. He's charming and upbeat and he has a sense of humor. You've got to have a man who can laugh at himself. Just don't call him "chicken." He's committed to his family, rending the very fabric of time to save his siblings and secure his parents' happiness. Come to think of it, he might be a little too committed to family.

#3 Kermit the Frog. If I have to tell you what he's from, I want you to leave this site now.
Some of you ninnyhammers out there are going to jump directly to the comments to tell me that Kermit was around waaaaaaay before the 80s, and you will refer me to his autobiography, A Frog's Eye View of Life's Greatest Lessons. To you I say, Quit bringing everybody down, man. The Great Muppet Caper - 1981. Muppets Take Manhattan - 1984. Follow That Bird - 1985. Kermit's influence on the 80s cannot be denied. Calm it.

Kermit is a classic. With unparalleled poise, he leads a band of rebels and ragamuffins through the likes of outer space, deserted islands, swamps, and most dangerous of all, Manhattan. Intelligent and wise, Kermit is a born leader. He listens to the needs of his muppets, and he is musical and sensitive, to boot. He's a badass too, evidenced by the predicate nominative attached to his name (see also Alexander the Great and Richard the Lion Heart). Best of all, Kermit has a healthy fear of his girlfriend - a cue all men should take.

Admit it, she scares you too.

#2 Superman from Superman
Yes, yes, Superman was around before the 80s. We get it.

Jaunty cape, rockin' boots, dark hair, smoldering blue, laser eyes. I'm thinking about getting a cat just so he can rescue it from my tree. Ladies, you cannot go wrong chasing Superman. He is a model citizen and a decent almost-human being. He's the kind of guy who has x-ray vision but won't use it to look at your underwear. His skin may be impenetrable, but the fortress of his heart is yours for the taking. Speaking of fortresses, did you know that he owns a crystal house? Crystals! Sparkly, beautiful, history-keeping crystals! Furthermore, if you end up with Superman, you'll never again have to run seven red lights and go 90 on the freeway to get to the airport just in time to hear that your plane has been delayed - indefinitely.

#1 Farm Boy/Westley/The Dread Pirate Roberts from The Princess Bride
I need only two words to describe Westley: "Hubba" and "Hubba." Those eyes, that mask, that wit. He bests Fezzig with strength, Inigo with steel, and Vizzini with his thoughts, and the man who can do all that can plan my castle onslaught any day. Westley is a true hero. The strength of his love carries him through torture and danger, yet even when weak and frail, he still taunts his enemies with fervor. This is the man who will overcome any danger to ensure your safety and comfort, and when he has accomplished his mission, he will say to you those three little words every woman longs to hear: "As you wish."

Let me 'splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up: We're looking for a persistent, well-read man with dark hair and blue eyes who doesn't take "no" for an answer, has a hint of danger about him, is a natural leader, and gives us what we wish most of the time.

Close, but I don't think we're there yet. How bout:

Yes. There's the one. Well done, 80s. Well done.