911, What is your emergency?

Here follows a transcript of the emergency call placed to my phone earlier this month. Unfortunately, the victim was unable to get through to a live dispatcher, so she left a detailed message. The situation truly demonstrates the need for better funding for our emergency response units. Call your congressman/woman today.

UNIDENTIFIED VICTIM:
>Emily, I peed on myself.
>At a gas station.
>Because I was trying to squat.
>On my khaki capris where it was visible on the back of the pant leg.
>I decided to remedy this ridiculous situation by splashing water on the front of my pants as a clever decoy...
>To make it look like a spill.

>This was my second stop on my road trip.
>The first one involved diarrhea at a different gas station...
>In which a lady was singing to herself and as I went to the bathroom she slowly stopped singing, I could hear her breathing funny, and she left quickly...

>Followed by a man coming in with a little girl taking their sweet time. As they left, he says, "Whew! Smells like someone crapped their pants," and the woman with them went, "Shh shh."
>Followed by me realizing that I'm in a public restroom,
>I just had diarrhea everywhere,
>And there's no toilet paper.
>None.
>At which point I realize I'm going to have to waddle with my pants down
>Over to the other stall
>Hoping nobody comes in while I'm waddling
>SANS PANTS.

>Do you know why I'm even out on the road today?
>Because I got up at 6:45 on a Monday morning
>To go to a seminar about filling out conference paperwork.
>Yes, I drove an hour and a half so i could sit and learn how to fill out paperwork.
>Paperwork.
>On a Monday.
>A. Monday.

>Diarrhea.
>No toilet paper.
>Waddling.
>Another gas station.
>Peeing ON MY PANTS.
>I, I'm just...I'm, I'm done. I'm done with this day.
>Goodbye, day. You suck.
>I'm going to flush you.