The Gruesome Death of a Faithful Friend

Our tale of woe begins upon
A girl of five or six
Who went skipping on a forest path
And landed in a fix.

Our heroine wore brand new shoes
Her mom had tightly placed,
But tripping over stump and root
The strings had come unlaced.

The girl sat down and wailed aloud
And hollered her distress.
She knew all the arts of velcro
But they could not cure this mess.

Surprised, she saw a face appear
Behind the nearest tree.
A voice called out and said to her,
"It looks like you need me."

"I'm here to help and gaily do
Whatever you demand.
I'll tie your shoe and teach you, too,
If only you command."

She searched his face and found there
That the truth was in his eye.
She dried her tears and asked him please
To help her learn to tie.

From that day on the two of them
Walked freely side by side.
And so in bliss our tale would end
If her laces had stayed tied.

They came undone one sunny day
Some ten years down the road.
Again he said to the teenage girl,
"I'll try to ease your load."

"I'm here to help and gaily do

Whatever you demand.

I'll tie your shoe and teach you, too,

If only you command."

"I know how to tie," she scolded him.

"You taught me years ago.

You don't have to tell me twenty times.

I fear you think me slow."

She noticed then a pattern

Had developed with his lips.

They never stopped their moving

With his endless helpful tips.

"Looks like you're making coffee.

I can help," she'd hear him call.

"Looks like you need a restroom.

I'll procure an open stall."

"Looks like you want to drive a car.

I'll help you steer the wheel.

Looks like you want to fish for trout.

I'll show you how to reel."

"Looks like you want to go to sleep.

I'll teach you how to rest.

Looks like you hope to kiss a boy.

I'll show you who is best."

"Looks like you want to breathe the air,

Looks like you're having cramps.

Looks like you want to write a note,

Looks like you're out of stamps."

"That's it!" she cried. "I will not hear

Another word from you.

I'll figure out without your help

The things I need to do."

"Get you gone, you parasite.

Assist another girl.

I'm sick of hearing your advice.

Don't cast another pearl."

"Starting now I banish you.

I will that you should hide.

Slink into the shadows dark,

I will not be denied."

But she knew that he was lurking

And in waiting would abide.

He was aching to be helpful.

He would never leave her side.

"All right!" she screeched. "I've had enough!

Advise me one last time.

Tell me how to murder you.

Abet me in this crime."

Delighted, he revealed himself,

And grinning, he replied,

"Looks like you aim to slaughter me,

I only live to guide."

You can straighten out my joints.

You can bend me til I break.
You can pass me through a shredder.
You can drown me in a lake.

You can scald me with hot acid
Til I'm naught but melted ore.
You can flay my skin with razors
Til my body is no more

She took a breath and pondered him,
Her old and faithful friend.
She remembered all his kindness,
Then she tore him end from end.

She started with his eyeballs
Yes, she ripped them from his head.
She sliced apart his smile
And even as she worked he said,

"You really shouldn't twist that way,
You'll break your knife, for sure.
Why don't you try a leather glove
To keep your grip secure?"

Her fiery blows came crashing down.
Her fury knew no rest.
She stretched him ear to ankle,
And she rent apart his chest.

Without remorse she left him there
To wallow and to die,
And on the breeze she heard him call
With one last gasping cry,

"Looks like you failed to bury me.
I see a plot of land.
If you'd like to grab a shovel
Then I'll gladly lend a hand."

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