Top Five Christmas Must-Haves (if you live with the Jetsons)

By Emily Walls

Dear Reader,

The Christmas season is full upon us, and if you're at all like me, you've wasted your time reading A Christmas Carol, singing Christmas hymns, and spending time with your stupid friends.

Idiots

If you're like me, you also have not yet purchased Present One. I don't have any gift suggestions for you this year. No, this year, procrastinating Reader, you are on your own. Thirty-nine years from now, however, I might be of some service to you with the Top 5 Must-Have Home Appliances for the 2050 Christmas season. Prepare now, and save yourself the heartache of last-minute shopping.


5. The Bio Robot Refrigerator

This little beauty of a prototype requires zero energy. It's silent, unobtrusive, and—best of all—it reminds me of the Jell-O trampoline that Goofy masters in Mickey and the Beanstalk. This refrigerator has no moving parts. It cools your food inside a slab of biopolymer gel, an odorless, non-sticky substance that I shall henceforth refer to as the Blob. Basically, you suspend your food inside the Blob, and when you're ready to eat, you stick your hand into the questionable substance to retrieve the desired victuals. No more humming behemoth in your kitchen. No more ten-man crews on moving day. No more opportunities for your vegetables to plot evil schemes behind closed doors (I'm looking at you, celery stalk). You'll be able to see everything at a glance.

Now, I could see this system working for pickle jars and tubs of sour cream, but what do I do with gallons of milk and leftover casseroles? How does the Blob respond to moldy mashed potatoes? How does one keep the Blob clean from surface dust and Kool-Aid spills? Future manufacturers, you have thirty-nine years to address my concerns. Get cracking.


4. The Vertical Bathroom

I plan to be wildly wealthy in thirty-nine years, and I figure it's a guarantee, because Marty McFly told me that if I put my mind to it, I can accomplish anything. I'm putting my mind to being Scrooge McDuck. That said, I live in Los Angeles where every inch of land that isn't a boulder has been covered in concrete and piled high with buildings. If I don't want to move out of the city, I'm going to have to learn to make do with smaller spaces. That's where our next appliance comes into play. It's an all-in-one bathroom column for the wildly wealthy among us who choose to live in spaces too small for the conventional shower/toilet/sink combo (also known as the Japanese.)

Found via Unplggd

With the Vertical Bathroom, your shower, sink, toilet, and storage all align in one unassuming pillar. Need to shower? Just pivot the shower section out to let the water flow. Guests coming over? Display the toilet and sink for their use, but keep the medicine cabinet hidden from prying eyes. Late for work? Align the shower head and toilet vertically to combine your morning constitutional and shower into one, time-saving activity.


3. My Uncle's Toilet

Speaking of the Japanese...

As if we needed another example of how far ahead Japan is as compared to the rest of the world, the Japanese went ahead and proved that they poop better than everyone else too. Their magical toilet of wonder and awe has been the standard in Japan for years, but sadly (horrifyingly?) it has not yet made its way to the West.

This, on the other hand, came right over.

Because my uncle owns one, this item has the distinction of being the only appliance on my list that I've actually used, and let me tell you, it is an experience that will ruin all other toilets for you forever.
Let's explore a few of its key characteristics.

1. It greets you. No more groping in the dark for the light switch during your 2 a.m. relieving. When this puppy detects motion, it lifts its lid in greeting and activates its landing lights.
2. It comes equipped with a seat warmer.
3. It has a built-in, interior fan. During use, a fan inside the toilet bowl whirs away pesky odors and associated troubles. 
4. It sports a built-in, remote controlled bidet. Continue to use your primitive toilet paper if you like. I shall opt for the bidet wand that responds to my every command. I simply press a button on the remote control and voila! a jet of warm water lands precisely where it is required. I can direct the wand to move back and forth or around, and I can control the water pressure. The higher end models mix soap with the water for extra cleanliness.
5. After a thorough cleansing, you can use the remote control to activate the built-in dryer.

 Despite the toilet's advances, you still have to flush it yourself...using the remote control. Jonny often describes the day he experienced my uncle's toilet as one of the greatest of his life.
 
2. The Safe Table Saw


Because nothing says "Peace on Earth" like furiously spinning blades.

This is a table saw that uses an electrical current to detect the moisture in your skin. If the blade comes into contact with skin—say, your finger—it will immediately shut down and collapse into the table. Miraculously, your finger will remain unscathed. Check out this video where they demonstrate the technology with a hot dog.

Now it would be easy to write this off as some gimmickry of the camera or optical illusion, but let's keep an open mind here. This is clearly voodoo black magic. I'll sacrifice the finger and keep my ever living soul, thank you very much.


1. A Hoverboard*

It's 2050. Surely, surely, they've been invented.

By Emily Walls

 

*Technically, not an appliance.