The Seven Hottest Babes of the 80's and Early 90's

By Jonny Walls

The following is a response to Emily's hilarious and well received piece, Seven 80's Studs Who Taught Me How to Find a Husband.

If you haven't read hers yet, go catch up, and I'll meet you back here. Go on.

While Emily's list was strictly confined to the 80's, I, knowing that the bounds of babe-dom can't possibly be so restrained, have decided to welcome the early years of the 90's as well. I know this may seem like a bit of a cheat, but clearly, I had no choice. After all, Aladdin wasn't released until 1992.


7. Princess Jasmine- of Aladdin
Would you look at that hip to waist ratio? 

Have you seen my Dad? My hotness literally defies physics.

I never, ever, ever went through a "girls are yucky" stage. I mean, I had my first girlfriend, complete with verbal engagement, at age three. (The engagement fell through.) But those hips woke up something new inside me. I've heard the "classy, smart" argument for princesses like Belle, but you know what? At age nine, I had no use for classy or smart. You know what I did have use for? Sexy, exotic princesses who pranced around baring their mid-driffs all day. It was Jasmine, not Britney Spears, who made the crop-top everyday acceptable. For that, I thank her.

6. Danielle Fishel- Played Topanga on Boy Meets World
We've done hips, but how about those lips? 

For the record, I'm way out of Ben Savage's league in real life.

Behold, fair readers, the best thing about Friday nights for the majority of the nineties. We tuned in for Ben Savage's nervously clumsy hijinks. We came back again (and again and again and again) for Topanga. Her nerdy-friend-turned-sexy-crush thing was irresistible, and just the thing we all dreamed of. (Cha -ching!) Thank God It's Friday? You bet your ass.


5. April O'Neil- of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the Cartoon
April was so hot that even animals were attracted to her. It takes a special brand of sexy to trump genus grouping.

Tonight's top story: My blouse is coming open and you love it.

This bold, bodacious, on-the-beat babe provided the injection of estrogen that the TMNT so dearly  needed. She was the paragon of sultry femininity against which the ass-kicking of the Turtles could take clearest form. And talk about low maintenance. She's a working gal who comes home tired and all talked-out from having yapped in front of the camera all day. Mind numbing shopping excursions? Forget about it. See that yellow jumper? That's it. Stock up on laundry detergent and dryer sheets and you'll be set for life. Repeat after me 'cause this is all you'll need: "No, that jumper doesn't make you look fat. That jumper makes you look amazing." You're all set, cowboy, and better yet, it'll be the truth. 

4. Vicki- of Small Wonder
Vicki was a cute, brunette robot who was programmed to cook and clean. Next.

Mechanical hotness. Very ahead of its time.

3. Stephanie Tanner- of Full House
I'm a white protestant from the Bible-belt who grew up in the 80's and 90's. To exclude Stephanie from this list would be a downright travesty. The "Michelle Twins" were still toddlers and D.J. was too busy running around with Aladdin.

That's right. This guy was "The Diamond in the Rough."

But Stephanie had it going on. Stephanie had looks, character, and spunk. She was never afraid to call out rude people. And she looked kickin' in curls.

The shoe represents kicking rudeness' ass.

2. Princess Leia- of Star Wars
When I saw Princess Leia for the first time in her white, sheet-turned dress getup, my four-year-old curiosity began stirring like a Wompa coming out of hibernation. When we got around to Return of the Jedi, however, and I saw this...

When you're finished choking Jabba, could, um...I get a turn in there, maybe?

...I was insatiable as the Rancor (and twice as confused). This may be the most obvious choice on my list, but there's a reason for that. In that dingy hole of villainy and scum, even amidst awesome things like the force, droids, and lightsabers, we all had eyes for only one thing. (Well, a few things.)

1. The One Girl From My Neighborhood- in My Life
Everyone has experienced that new girl who moves into town and knocks your socks off. But there are others, who, for some reason, it takes a little longer to notice. One such girl, when I was around fifth grade, moved into my neighborhood. I didn't see it at the time, but as I grew older and wiser, I came to realize what I was missing out on. I always wonder what became of her. Actually, isn't this just the type of thing Facebook is for? Hold on...














Here she is!

Maybe I should give her a call?

By Jonny Walls