So You Think You May Have Eaten Soap

By Jonny Walls

Verbalinfusion is here with some impeccable medical advice. Enjoy. 

So you think you may have eaten soap. Not to worry. Take our quick and easy quiz to find out if that's lye you've been lapping or some other unknown (possibly toxic) agent.

Please answer each question to the best of your ability.

1. How would you describe the taste on your tongue right now?
  
    a. Bland. Like an Indiana field. (My tastebuds are the soybeans.)
    b. Spicy. If that was soap, it had extra chili-pepper.
    c. Sudsy. It's like drinking root beer...but it tastes like poison.

2. How sanitary is your larynx?

    a. Not very. It feels like an old, wet washcloth lives in my throat.
    b. Kind of. I wouldn't eat off it, but I would touch it long enough to throw it away.
    c. Extremely. Cleaner than a Kirk Cameron movie.

3. Let's make believe for a moment. Your stomach is the hottest discoteque in town! What's the party tonight?

    a. Old west night. Mechanical bull, cowboy boots, square dancing, rampant cholera.
    b. Ladies night. It feels like my tummy is full of Zima and LIT's, and is wearing a tiny skirt and backless top even though it's 40 degrees outside.
    c. Foam party. Wet, wild, and extra bubbly.

4. Everyone enjoys a turn down at the local cinema house. Which classic movie character do you most relate with right now?

    a. Scarlett O'Hara. I hate good-looking men who actually care for me.
    b. Jaws. Not the guy with the glasses who throws the chum or the guy who gets bitten in half. The actual shark, man! The two biggest challenges of my day are breathing out of water, and resisting the urge to eat my co-workers.
    c. Ralphie from that one Christmas movie with the b-b gun.

5. Let's make believe again. There's an opera in your mouth. What was the latest plot twist?

    a. Some guy seems to be really mad at some woman. I think it's because she keeps singing made-up words at him.
    b. I'm not sure, but there are a lot of guitars and twenty-piece drum sets. And a lot of big hair-do's.
    c. From what I can best discern, the President of the United States is actually that woman's long-dead father who is also using top secret government technology to control her two boyfriends, who are both cheating on her with her mother, who is actually her daughter and her old college roommate, but is unrecognizable since the surgery after the Prague incident.


If you answered C to any of the above questions, congratulations! You've eaten soap. You can relax, have some hot water, and wait for the retching to stop.

(If you answered B to question 4, please see a psychiatrist...or go back to the ocean. Thank you.)

By Jonny Walls