Six Principles That Guarantee a Remarkably Tolerable Marriage

By Emily Walls

A good marriage is like a fine wine: It smells of rot and is inherently alcoholic. After more than thirty months of marriage and twice as many boxes of cabernet, I should know. Many said that I was too "emotionally stunted" or "unstable" or "I beg of you, please put down the dagger" for marriage, but Jonny took a chance on me, and I, in turn, took a chance on 1.3 European cut carats. I truly believe we were made for each other.

And we'll be together forever.

And so, in my beneficence, I offer these principles for a healthy marriage. May they guide you toward the wedded euphoria in which we bask and toward which you may vainly strive.


Principle #1. Communication: Poison in the Marriage Well

"We need to talk."
Right behind "How about sex tonight?" those are the scariest four words your spouse can utter. An unexpressed thought is a dollar in the mind bank. You wouldn't give away all (or any) of your real dollars, would you? So why would you give away your mind money? Your spouse is already a drain on so many areas of your life; let your thoughts be yours alone. You can save your spouse and yourself a lifetime of awkward conversation and imprecise analysis with a lifelong dip in the golden pool of silence. I can't tell you how many times Jonny has come to me and said, "Emily, it hurts me when you call me ______" or "I could use a hug" or "I may have just killed a prostitute," and for both our sakes, I have had to stop him from continuing. Not only does conversation ruin the feng shui of the marriage relationship, but also it limits the imagination. It's so much more interesting and exciting to guess what the other is thinking. And guesswork and imagination are the bedrocks of...


Principle #2. Sweatpants: The Lingerie of the Enlightened

When I get home from work, it takes me maybe thirty seconds to change into my boudoir attire: fifteen-year-old, ripped, flannel, size XL men's pajama pants. For his part, Jonny doesn't leave the house in anything but sweatpants, if he bothers to put on pants at all. We have discovered the passion and desire that baggy jersey knits can incite. Because this is a family site—and by that I mean our immediate family members are our only readers—I will not go into further detail about our raging libidos. Let's just say that the other day I saw Jonny in gray terrycloth bottoms, and for one crazy moment, I considered giving him a closed-mouth kiss. It was wild! Strictly adhering to Principle #1, I, of course, did not express the thought to Jonny. Nevertheless, I fully embrace the titillating merits of sweatpants, and I pity those who are stuck in prisons of lace and satin. Naturally, I also pity those who don't yet know...


Principle #3. Grooming, like Sex, Is Optional

Back in elementary school, my parents told me to brush and floss my teeth, but you know what, Mom and Dad? Those teeth fell out. Luckily, new teeth grew in to replace their fallen comrades, but I'll never again be duped into spending five more minutes of my day on hygiene. I have enough trouble squeezing back-to-back marathons of Pawn Stars and Storage Wars into my precious eight hours of awake time. When Jonny turns to me at night and gives me an air five from his twin bed across the room, I know he's really saying, "May I braid your leg hair sometime?" That's a special bond between a husband and wife. Regular grooming will only sterilize your relationship, and while reproductive sterility might be a good option for you (it was for us!), metaphorical sterility will bleach your relationship of its vibrance.


Principle #4. Sharing: The Great Divider

Before you and your spouse go merging your books and movies and ideals into a giant marriage liabilibrary, consider for a moment the unsung virtues of selfishness and violent individualism. Sure, you could let him read your Bible when he leaves his in the other room, but wouldn't that just go against the Teaching a man to fish, Place for everything and everything in its place, When life gives you lemons make lemonade stuff that Jesus preached about (Jude 5:8-23)? When you share with your spouse, you are enabling his laziness. Let him bring his own TV, his own couch, his own meals, his own bed (and if not, floor), his own ovaries into the relationship. You'll see a drastic improvement in self-morale when your things are your things alone. I will caution, too, that chores should never be shared. You must not take from your spouse the joy of cleaning.


Principle #5. "Dear," "Baby," and "Love": Four-Letter Words That Will Ruin Your Tolerate-Life

Far too often, I hear young couples using so-called "pet names" with each other, and I have to shake my head in grief. First, they are addressing each other, which directly violates Principle #1. Second, if they insist on disregarding my sound advice, they can at least inject a bit of individuality into their rhetoric. Consider the following pet names that Jonny has given me in the last week. Although I cannot yet convince him to embrace Principle #1, I have to applaud his eloquence. He has called me:

• my precious little fruit cup
• my half-eaten McGriddle
• my tin of parrot food
• my sweet little card catalog entry
• my wire-mesh soup strainer
• my favorite ball of yarn

Any woman would melt at such tender expressions, which proves that I am not just any woman (or a woman at all, for that matter).


Principle #6.  Erotic Parcheesi

Trust me.


By Emily Walls